An assortment of canned meats used for the Food Shack taste test includes (clockwise from left): Bar Harbor Natural Smoked Wild Kippers, Underwood Roast Beef Spread, Beach Cliff Fish Steaks, Libby's Vienna Sausage, Dutch Colony Cooked Ham, CPG Unmeat, Armour Potted Meat and H-E-B Chopped Ham.
An entire edition of the Food Shack could be devoted to Spam, and maybe some day it will. But if you want to know why that treasured meat is endearing, particularly in Hawaii, it's because pretty much everything that surrounds it in the designated "canned meat" aisle at a grocery store is a disaster waiting to happen by comparison. Canned Shredded Beef
This particular aisle, with traditional meats in all forms, feels like it was made for a doomsday prepper. And if some of these meats were to occupy my pantry, I'd rather submit to the nuclear fallout. I tried nine variations, from fish to feather, and the results made me feel like I did the ultimate in community service. Thank me later.
The good news about canned meats is that, like a cockroach, it would probably survive the fallout and it would last for many months. The bad news is that you would have to eat it, which is particularly bleak if you stocked the wrong ones. While not all of it is entirely bad, it might be a good idea to steer clear of this particular aisle, which is usually found midway in the grocery lanes.
Here, I'll rank canned meats from worst to first, and y'all are welcome for me doing the Lord's work, because this is research that needed to be done.
The Armour Potted Meat is something that falls short on taste and long on regret.
9. Armour Potted Meat: These little 3-ounce cans (82 cents) are made with "mechanically separated" chicken and pork with enough salt and preservatives splashed in to pickle the human body. It has the consistency of cat food and tasted like it, too. The label proclaims it is "America's Favorite," and if that's the case, we are all doomed. Each can is 240 calories, and 200 of those come from fat, which leads me to believe this is everything that was trimmed off the meats used to make it.
Libby's Vienna Sausage is like eating mini hot dogs.
8. Libby's Vienna Sausage: Staying in that 82-cent price point, you are better off buying a package of cheap hot dogs, because that is really all these are. Cut into portions the size of your pinkie finger, they do have a slightly decent snap in the casing, but the mixture of beef, chicken and pork has more fat than protein with zero health benefits. I would equate it to eating a handful of rubber bands.
For a canned vegetarian option, UnMeat is an option.
7. CPG Unmeat: It's packaged like Spam, but this soy-based can of mush is a mixture of water, soy-based protein, yeast, oil and odd ingredients like vegetable gum and rice powder. You do get six servings for $3.98, but you will wish there was only one so you wouldn't feel so guilty about tossing it into the garbage after one bite. It tasted like the eraser on a No. 2 pencil, but truth be told, I may be more inclined to eat the eraser.
The Underwood Roast Beef Spread isn't very appealing to the eyes, or the taste buds.
6. Underwood Roast Beef Spread: A slightly upgraded version of the aforementioned potted beef, the label is still a lie, because nothing in it is roasted ($2.08 per can). Its one redeeming quality is that you can toss some mayonnaise on it and create a sandwich spread that is mostly edible, and it does have a decent amount of protein with 8 grams per can. Yeah, it's a little scary that all it says in the ingredients is "beef."
The H-E-B Chopped Ham has a lot in common with SPAM, and can be easily sliced and eaten hot or cold.
5. H-E-B Chopped Ham: Priced at $2.59 for six servings, there is enough here to feed the family on a budget, and it works decently cut up into small patties and tossed in a skillet. The salted pork cuts easily and takes on a nice brown crust when cooked. It's hardly a match for a proper ham, but it does the job in a pinch.
Don't be too scared of the canned fish, because it's better than you would think with two takes on herring that deserve a place in the pantry.
4: Beach Cliff Fish Steaks and Bar Harbor Natural Smoked Wild Kippers: Both of these use herring from the North Sea, so take your pick. The fish steaks ($1.12) are about as simple as it gets, with bite-size portions soaked in soybean oil. It's admittedly intimidating to eat fish out of a can outside of salmon, crab and tuna, but go ahead and live a little with these.
As for the kippers ($3.58), they are about double the size and function as a great sardine substitute for things like Caesar salads and snacks, or for tuna in recipes. They are heavy on the omega-3s and are loaded with a nice smoky flavor. These were actually good enough to warrant some real estate on a party spread, and some guests might even ask how you made them.
Canned ham, such as this one from Dutch Colony, are properly seasoned and don't have to take much of a back seat to other varieties.
2. Dutch Colony Cooked Ham: I have always found that canned ham has a lot of versatility, because the curing process does most of the work and you can get a lot (16 ounces) for a little ($4.18). Whether you serve it hot or cold, it delivers and slices clean with smoky hints, and the water in the can allows seasoning spices to be easily added to the mixture, even though it doesn't really need it.
The Underwood Chicken Spread is made with white meat and has great flavor that can be used for chicken salad or as a salad topper.
1. Underwood Chicken Spread: Where the roast beef from this company was mostly a fail, it redeems itself with this spread ($2.08). Made with white meat chicken bathed for a possible eternity, it has a fantastic salty zip that is perfect for sandwiches or as a salad topping. Although you don't really notice it, chicken skin and added chicken fat are also loaded into the mixture. It tasted like a can of chicken noodle soup in sandwich form.
cblount@express-news.net | Twitter: @chuck_blount | Instagram: @bbqdiver
Canned Stewed Porks Chuck Blount is an award-winning journalist with more than 20 years of experience at the San Antonio Express-News, and a tenure split between writing and editing about food, drinks, poker and sports, where he was part of the team that covered four of the five Spurs' NBA championships. He is a graduate of the University of Iowa.